You finally work up the courage to confront someone about bad behavior. Maybe they lied, maybe they crossed a boundary, maybe they just did something that really hurt.
You expect an apology, or at least a conversation. Instead, you walk away feeling like you’re the one who messed up.
Wait. What the heck just happened?
Odds are, you just got hit with DARVO, aka the manipulator’s favorite move.
What Is DARVO?
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a psychological tactic where someone flips the script to avoid accountability.
Instead of owning up to their behavior, they:
- Deny it ever happened.
- Attack you for bringing it up.
- Reverse roles so suddenly they’re the victim and you’re the offender.
At first glance, DARVO might look like simple defensiveness, right? But in reality, it’s much more calculated than that…
It’s not just a knee-jerk “I didn’t do it!”. Instead, it’s a whole routine designed to confuse, destabilize, and shut you down.
Here’s how it might look in real life:
- Deny: “I never said that. You’re imagining things.”
- Attack: “You’re just so sensitive. You’re always twisting my words.”
- Reverse: “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of this. Don’t you know how much that hurts me?”
Notice the rhythm: deny the behavior, attack your credibility, then flip the script so that all of a sudden they’re the poor, misunderstood victim.
It’s like emotional Uno, but instead of a fun card game, it’s full-on psychological warfare.
And once you’ve seen the pattern, you’ll recognize how eerily consistent it is across different situations.
Where the Term Comes From
DARVO was coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who studied betrayal trauma. This is that kind of trauma that happens when the people or institutions you’re supposed to be able to trust are the ones causing harm.
Freyd noticed a striking pattern: when abusers or institutions were confronted, they didn’t just deny wrongdoing. They often went on the offensive, attacking the person who spoke up, and then flipping the story so the perpetrator looked like the victim.
This wasn’t just an occasional reaction. It was consistent enough to deserve its own acronym!
Since then, DARVO has been recognized as a common manipulation tactic in abusive relationships, workplaces, families, and even politics. If you’ve ever watched a public figure accused of misconduct suddenly claim they’re the one being persecuted, you’ve probably seen DARVO in action.
Why DARVO Works
DARVO is so effective because it destabilizes the person calling out the behavior. Instead of focusing on what happened, you’re suddenly defending yourself, clarifying your intentions, or apologizing for causing offense.
The spotlight shifts completely, and that’s exactly what the person is banking on.
It’s maybe even a bit bizarre, but it works because it hijacks the natural instincts of decent people. After all, most of us value fairness, want to be understood, and are willing to reflect on our own behavior.
DARVO bursts in like the Kool-Aid man and exploits those very qualities.
Taking it step by step, psychologically, DARVO works because:
- It creates confusion and self-doubt in the target. You start wondering, “Did I overreact? Am I the problem?”
- It plays on social scripts. People are generally conditioned to sympathize with whoever looks like the “weaker” party.
- It overlaps with gaslighting, making you question your perception of reality.
- It derails the conversation: instead of focusing on their behavior, you’re suddenly defending yourself.
And lest we forget, here’s the kicker: DARVO isn’t about healthy disagreement. It’s not “I don’t think that’s true, let’s talk it through.” It’s a manipulative pattern designed to totally shut down any hint of accountability.
Falling for DARVO Doesn’t Make You Gullible
If you’ve ever fallen for DARVO, here’s something seriously important that I really want you to take away from this article: it doesn’t mean you’re stupid, weak, or gullible.
In fact, the opposite is true.
DARVO works best on people who are introspective and conscientious. You know, the kind of people who pause to consider, “Maybe I did come across too harshly,” or “I want to be fair here.”
Manipulators know this. They prey on your decency, your willingness to self-reflect, and your desire to resolve conflict.
Meanwhile, they’ve often had years of practice absolutely perfecting this tactic. They know exactly how to flip the script, how to look wounded, and how to push every single one of your guilt buttons.
You’re not gullible for falling for DARVO; you’re human. And the fact that you even care about being fair is proof that you’re not the problem.
Examples of DARVO in Action
DARVO can feel abstract until you see it play out.
So let’s make this concrete with a few scenarios:
- Everyday example: You call out a friend for gossiping about you. They deny it, accuse you of being paranoid, and then claim they’re hurt you’d doubt their loyalty.
- Relationship example: You confront a partner about lying. They deny it, call you controlling, and say they feel victimized by your accusations.
- Workplace example: You report a manager’s inappropriate comment. They deny it, attack your professionalism, and insist they’re being unfairly targeted.
- Public example: A celebrity accused of misconduct denies, attacks the accuser’s credibility, and paints themselves as the real victim of “cancel culture.”
Different contexts, same dance steps: deny, attack, reverse.
And that’s what makes DARVO so insidious. Once you’ve seen the pattern, you can’t unsee it. It’s everywhere, from personal relationships to office politics and even the evening news.
DARVO vs. Healthy Conflict
With all of that said, just because someone disagrees with us doesn’t mean that they’re giving us the DARVO treatment.
As such, it’s important not to overreact and slap the DARVO label on every disagreement. Sometimes people genuinely misunderstand, misremember, or feel defensive without being manipulative.
Here’s a quick example:
- Healthy conflict sounds like: “I don’t remember it that way. Can we talk through what happened?”
- DARVO sounds like: “That never happened. You’re crazy, and I can’t believe you’d attack me like this.”
Did you see what really happened there? Let’s look again.
- Healthy conflict: “I don’t think I did that, but I want to hear your perspective.”
- DARVO: “You always do this to me! You twist things around and make me the bad guy.”
You see?
The difference lies in intent and outcome. Healthy conflict aims for clarity and resolution. DARVO aims to confuse, deflect, and shut you down.
If the conversation leaves you feeling heard and closer to understanding each other, that’s conflict. But if it leaves you feeling guilty, crazy, or like the bad guy for even bringing it up, that’s DARVO.
How to Recognize DARVO in the Moment
Spotting DARVO as it happens takes practice, because it’s designed to throw you off balance. Not to mention, as we mentioned earlier, people who use it often have years or even a lifetime of practice using it under their belt.
So how do you know if you’re being DARVO’d?
Thankfully, there are the telltale signs:
- The conversation suddenly shifts from their behavior to your “attack.”
- You leave feeling guilty, confused, or like you’re the problem.
- They position themselves as the victim, even though you were the one raising a legitimate concern.
As a generally good gut-check, if you walk away wondering if you owe them an apology for calling out their bad behavior, you may have just been DARVO’d.
Recognizing DARVO in the moment is powerful because it gives you a chance to pause and say, “Wait just a second here. This isn’t about me. This is about what they did.”
How to Respond to DARVO
Responding to DARVO is tricky because, again, the tactic is designed to throw you off balance so you can’t think clearly.
But there are ways to protect yourself:
- Stay grounded. First things first, take a breath. Notice the shift. Remind yourself what the original issue was.
- Reassert the focus. Calmly bring the conversation back: “We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about what you did.”
- Don’t get pulled into over-explaining. This is where people often fall into the trap of JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), which is another manipulative dynamic we cover in our article on JADE.
- Document patterns. In workplaces or ongoing relationships, keep a record. DARVO often repeats.
- Know when to disengage. Sometimes the safest and healthiest choice is to just step back entirely.
Think of DARVO like quicksand: the more you thrash around trying to prove your innocence, the deeper you’re going to sink.
So keep your eye on the ball. The goal here isn’t to “win” the conversation. It’s to stay clear on what’s actually happening.
The Impact of DARVO
DARVO isn’t just frustrating in the moment. It has real consequences and leaves lasting damage.
For individual victims, it creates confusion, guilt, and self-doubt. Over time, it can erode your trust in your own perceptions, making you less likely to speak up in the future.
That’s part of what makes DARVO so powerful and insidious: even beyond just silencing you once in the moment, it trains you to silence yourself forever.
For relationships, it destroys trust. If one person is always flipping the script instead of owning their actions, the other person can never feel safe or respected.
For groups and communities, DARVO can sway bystanders. When manipulators convincingly play the victim, others may side with them, leaving the real victim isolated. This is especially harmful in workplaces, families, and public controversies.
DARVO isn’t just a conversation tactic; it’s a control tactic. And the more it’s recognized, the less power it has.
Tomato Takeaway
DARVO is a manipulative tactic that flips the script to avoid accountability. By denying, attacking, and reversing roles, manipulators shift the focus away from their behavior and onto you.
The result? You walk away confused, guilty, and wondering if you’re the bad guy.
Recognizing DARVO is the first step to resisting it. Once you see the pattern, you can ground yourself, refocus the conversation, and avoid falling into the trap, or at least know when to disengage.
As we wrap up this article, now it’s your turn to join the conversation with today’s Tomato Takeaway:
Have you ever had someone pull a DARVO on you? Did you only realize it later, with that “ohhh, so that’s what happened” moment?
Share your story in the comments!
Fueled by coffee and curiosity, Jeff is a veteran blogger with an MBA and a lifelong passion for psychology. Currently finishing an MS in Industrial-Organizational Psychology (and eyeing that PhD), he’s on a mission to make science-backed psychology fun, clear, and accessible for everyone. When he’s not busting myths or brewing up new articles, you’ll probably find him at the D&D table or hunting for his next great cup of coffee.